Recently the sun has been shining and I have been renewed. I live in a northern zone that lacks sufficient vitamin D to last the winter and as a result, winter blues are a thing. Throw some sun, fresh mowed grass and time with friends around my backyard firepit at me and I am restored.
Sunday evening I posted a photo of our Bing Cherry bush loaded with flowers, #godisgood. Today is Wednesday and struggles have come as they tend to do. It has been resting in my spirit that God is still good. I tend not to confess this during the struggle, I still know it, but don't proclaim it. That still small voice is encouraging me to confess His goodness as publicly as I did on that beautiful sunny evening.
I am not theologian or well read on ALL THE THINGS. I am a child of God learning to know my Father. Sometimes it is a struggle. This is one thing I know. I have first hand experience. God sees the big picture and what looks to us like harm is actually good, because GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. Having the dreaded "C" word cyclone through our family, up close and personal, has increased my understanding of the Goodness of God. I hear accusations against God about all that is wrong with the world. I hear believers shrinking their theology to fit their human understanding. Let me tell you now, God is Good. Sometimes, not being healed IS GOOD! Why, because we don't see the big picture! Big picture made slightly smaller, while Paul was going through cancer, he was supernaturally heal, not of cancer, but his kidney! (I won't tell you the story because it is his to tell, however, we have medical evidence that he was indeed healed). Why didn't God heal the cancer at the same time? I mean, he was RIGHT THERE! Surely it wouldn't have taken any more superpowers to heal the cancer too! Here's the thing, God has a bigger picture for Paul, for all of us. He has things to teach us through our struggle. We don't learn THE BIG THINGS without the struggle. We don't develop deep, abiding relationships without the struggle. If the struggle doesn't happen, we don't get tested and if we don't get tested, do we really know how deep our trust in God's goodness actually goes? My struggle this week is an old one, the issue at hand is not really relevant to this post. What IS relevant is that even though I am not feelin' all the rays of sunshine in this moment, God is still good. All the time. Every stinkin' day! Hashtag God is Good. Hashtag all the time.
I came across this lovely turn of phrase today while writing an email as a follow up to my "awkwardly executed obedience". As uncomfortable as it is, I feel inspired to write about it. (as an hysterical aside, my sister's blog is called "Wild Obedience"... she definitely is the wordsmith!)
2016 was a HARD YEAR. It sucked! There is no nice way of describing the truth of it. Painful, empty, hopeless, like being stuck in a mud bog, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. Winter, the ugly part of Winter, not the beautiful snowy parts, the despairingly bleak part of winter.
2017 dawned and brought me hope. It stirred a fire in my spirit, like the dawning of Spring. Life has been renewed and hope has restored. I am seeing green shoots of promised victories poking through the muck that remains of 2016.
It is not my desire to be awkward, or to make others feel awkward. That being said, I volunteered a long time ago to do and say the hard things to pave the way for others. I have been called to be brave and courageous. Fear has not made that easy. Fear is a bastard.
Today I had a choice, obey the Spirit within me or surrender to the fear of man. Such an easy choice! I blithely stepped into obedience and rainbows broke out in the sky and unicorns started dancing in fields of daisies! So NOT the way it actually happened. So not. Rather, it was publicly awkward, in a place where everyone knows me. Step aside Mariah, my turn... Except, shame is also a bastard, and I refuse to surrender to shame too.
Could I have stepped out in a less awkward way? Probably. I have thought a several ways to redo it... It was messy. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Today I won a battle against the fear of man. There is a bit of debris to clean up, but through the clean up, the door to dialogue has been opened. You see, Jesus delighted in my obedience! He wasn't looking at the mess I had made, He was rejoicing in my boldness and willingness. While this isn't actually new for me, the platform was. As a worship leader, I was afforded the opportunity to speak that I didn't have today. There was no beautiful segway from song to spoken word, today, it was just word. Today was baby steps in new territory. Jesus, like a proud parent, was delighted!
Who am I to please? God or Man? If that is my choice, hands down, I want to please God. Life brings forth more life. Birth is messy! Babies aren't born without a lot of pain and mess. Awkwardly executed obedience is simply the birthing process. Bring on the messy!
I pray that we may be bold and embrace the awkward, messy process. I bless you with courage and boldness and a willingness to embrace the messy, there is life and hope on the other side. I hope you are surrounded by good people who will pick you up and brush you off and encourage you in the aftermath. Go forth into awkwardly executed obedience! Jesus has your back!
What comes to your mind when you think "God"? Do you think of a loving daddy? Do you feel comfort? Are you frightened? I am a Christian and have been since I was a very out spoken 6 year old. It was logical that I become a Christian, I was going to a Christian school after all. There was no earth shattering redemption from the black hole of filth of my own making. How much mess could a 6 year old have made? I was too young to drink, my mother would not have let me get away with anything terrible, even by 6 year old standards! During my teen years I had a few renewals of the heart. I wanted to make good and sure all my bases were covered. Every one was heartfelt and sincere. I never got into much trouble as a teen so even then, no radical 180° turns required. In my 20s I had to decide if my faith was truly my own and not just the result of my upbringing. Having small children did not leave me much time to THINK DEEP THOUGHTS very often. I do remember not trusting God with my children. I thought he would take them away from me to "teach me a lesson". Surely, I had plenty to learn. I survived pretty much on my own. I was exhausted.
Until recently, the picture in my mind when I thought of God was of good ole Abe Lincoln
sitting on his concrete chair, cold and distant, waiting for me to mess
up again to say, "See? I told you, you never listen!" I did not see a
good father, I did not see someone who loves me.
I have a good dad. He has been a great example of a good father to me. Why did I think God would not be a good father? I am sure many would analyze my life and say that my father let me down, did not praise me enough. To that I say, Phewy! If we are going to play that game, we will do so all the way back to Adam. I am sure my dad did not do ALL THE THINGS RIGHT. None of us do. I refuse to lay blame at my dad's feet. That would mean my children can do the same thing to me! There is no way I am perfect! I have broken most of the "Good Mother" rules. This will only bring about condemnation furthering defeat. Do I have little girl memories when my daddy hurt my heart? Of course I do! Did my dad intentionally do things to hurt me, ABSOLUTELY NOT! We all work within the scope of our life experiences and hurts. I know why I thought of God as cold and distant. I will let you in on that little secret. As long as I remained intimidated by the God I serve, I remain ineffective. I have always believed in God's existence. I have only recently believed in His goodness. How can I inspire others to embrace the goodness and love of God if I myself do not believe? If satan's desire and mission is to cripple Christians, all he has to do is convince us to believe a lie. Mission accomplished. The picture I now see of God is still in His big chair, but now I see Him engaged in me! Looking at me like a father would look at a child he is enjoying. I have engaged with Him and saw myself sitting on His lap, snuggled into His chest. I am learning to speak to Him. Jesus' death on the cross makes it so that I can. The difference this understanding has made in my life is noticeable, even to those who do not know Him. This difference changes my entire perspective on who I am which in true effects how I speak to others, my children, my husband and every person that I meet. What do you see when you think of God?
Sunday evening I posted a photo of our Bing Cherry bush loaded with flowers, #godisgood. Today is Wednesday and struggles have come as they tend to do. It has been resting in my spirit that God is still good. I tend not to confess this during the struggle, I still know it, but don't proclaim it. That still small voice is encouraging me to confess His goodness as publicly as I did on that beautiful sunny evening. 
