Warrior Women

This is a post I wrote almost a year ago. A lot has happened since this post was originally written, several edits have been made. Perhaps I share this to remind myself of the bigger picture.

Recently, one of my friends who has watched the significant dishonouring of older mentor-friends, had written some heart-felt thoughts on what she is seeing. She is questioning her place in leadership as a woman in the church. Her post is a cry for justice and freedom in a world that has held women in a position contrary to our design for centuries. Maybe I’ll just let her tell you:

As those of you who are near to me know, my entire spiritual landscape has been in near complete disarray for a good couple months. I am disappointed by decisions that appear to forgo grace, gentleness, love and relationship in favour of appearances and theological nuance.

I have seen my spiritual mentors and matriarchs being called out on their decisions in trying to set healthy boundaries, create appropriate spaces for spiritual growth, and walk boldly in the direction in which God is calling them. Seeing this affliction makes me question my own positioning in leadership as I continue to look to their example. Not because I fear that they were bad role models but because I know they are great ones. How can I stand in agreement with them? How can I expect to be built up if they are being cut down?

In trying to articulate my frustrations and additionally my desire for both spiritual diversity and wellness, I stumbled upon Larry Osborne’s Accidental Pharisees. This book so clearly outlines where we can go wrong in trying to force propriety. The chapters on how uniformity destroys unity sum up so much of what I am learning through the turbulence of this month:

“We become accidental Pharisees when we lay down boundary markers that are narrower than the ones laid down by Jesus and then treat people who line up on the wrong side of our markers as if they were spiritual imposters or enemies of the Lord. Our goal may be to protect the flock. But boundary markers that are narrower than the ones Jesus laid down don’t protect the flock; they divide the flock. They sow discord among brothers, something God says he’s not too fond of. (Proverbs 6:16–19)” pg. 201

Accidental Pharisees

As I was responding to her post, I realized what I had to say was bigger than a comment and decided to invite the world into my thoughts and what I have learned and am learning in this crazy time. 

I have been following God and learning to step out boldly in obedience (often awkwardly executed) to follow where he is leading me. Part of this role that I find myself in requires pushing hard against the old way of doing things. The way that says women can lead women’s ministries, meet during the week and sip tea and talk about “women things” rather than take an active role in ministry to all. I gotta be honest, that is not my jam... I drink tea but I also wanna kick some serious ass! My desire to do fun, aggressive things is not an attempt to be like a man, they are ME! I am a warrior woman! I too was created for battle.

I have been consistently shut down by male leadership in walking in my purpose. I see it for what it is, for we wrestle not against flesh and blood (Eph 6). I have repeatedly been knocked down and have to go deeper and deeper to find the strength to get back up again. Honestly, it's exhausting. 

Paving the way is really hard work. It requires endurance. It requires "big girl knickers". It requires integrating feelings with God's word. It requires knowing what to agree with. We cannot pick sides of right vs. wrong. Rather, we must find the TRUTH and agree with Him. When picking sides it is entirely too easy to align with division. That also is not my jam.

When we find ourselves really struggling and feeling like there is no end in sight, keep going! This is about you! What are YOU going to do when you are following the path in front of you and all you can perceive is resistance and rejection? Keep going! It is a test of our faith and an exercise in endurance. The battle gets tougher as we become exhausted, when our endurance is being stretched. Like our physical bodies, our spirits need conditioning and training. It is easier to overcome when we have developed the necessary "muscles".

There is a stirring within women all around the world! This is a good thing and it is TIME! There have been many forerunners and pioneers. They have laid the groundwork to enable this next wave of Women Warriors. Let's not let them down! Let us grab hold of God and each other and take this next step. It is TIME for us to press in! It is time for us to build each other up and stop tearing each other down. Let's not let Satan win! (Spoiler alert, he doesn't...) We have two choices, align with Papa God or be complacent. God is calling us to do the hard things. Let's DO THIS!

God is ALWAYS GOOD

Recently the sun has been shining and I have been renewed. I live in a northern zone that lacks sufficient vitamin D to last the winter and as a result, winter blues are a thing. Throw some sun, fresh mowed grass and time with friends around my backyard firepit at me and I am restored. 

Sunday evening I posted a photo of our Bing Cherry bush loaded with flowers, #godisgood. Today is Wednesday and struggles have come as they tend to do. It has been resting in my spirit that God is still good. I tend not to confess this during the struggle, I still know it, but don't proclaim it. That still small voice is encouraging me to confess His goodness as publicly as I did on that beautiful sunny evening.

I am not theologian or well read on ALL THE THINGS. I am a child of God learning to know my Father. Sometimes it is a struggle. This is one thing I know. I have first hand experience. God sees the big picture and what looks to us like harm is actually good, because GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. 

Having the dreaded "C" word cyclone through our family, up close and personal, has increased my understanding of the Goodness of God. I hear accusations against God about all that is wrong with the world. I hear believers shrinking their theology to fit their human understanding. Let me tell you now, God is Good. Sometimes, not being healed IS GOOD! Why, because we don't see the big picture! Big picture made slightly smaller, while Paul was going through cancer, he was supernaturally heal, not of cancer, but his kidney! (I won't tell you the story because it is his to tell, however, we have medical evidence that he was indeed healed). Why didn't God heal the cancer at the same time? I mean, he was RIGHT THERE! Surely it wouldn't have taken any more superpowers to heal the cancer too! 

Here's the thing, God has a bigger picture for Paul, for all of us. He has things to teach us through our struggle. We don't learn THE BIG THINGS without the struggle. We don't develop deep, abiding relationships without the struggle. If the struggle doesn't happen, we don't get tested and if we don't get tested, do we really know how deep our trust in God's goodness actually goes? 

My struggle this week is an old one, the issue at hand is not really relevant to this post. What IS relevant is that even though I am not feelin' all the rays of sunshine in this moment, God is still good. All the time. Every stinkin' day! Hashtag God is Good. Hashtag all the time. 

Awkwardly Executed Obedience

I came across this lovely turn of phrase today while writing an email as a follow up to my "awkwardly executed obedience". As uncomfortable as it is, I feel inspired to write about it. (as an hysterical aside, my sister's blog is called "Wild Obedience"... she definitely is the wordsmith!)

2016 was a HARD YEAR. It sucked! There is no nice way of describing the truth of it. Painful, empty, hopeless, like being stuck in a mud bog, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. Winter, the ugly part of Winter, not the beautiful snowy parts, the despairingly bleak part of winter. 

2017 dawned and brought me hope. It stirred a fire in my spirit, like the dawning of Spring. Life has been renewed and hope has restored. I am seeing green shoots of promised victories poking through the muck that remains of 2016.

 It is not my desire to be awkward, or to make others feel awkward. That being said, I volunteered a long time ago to do and say the hard things to pave the way for others. I have been called to be brave and courageous. Fear has not made that easy. Fear is a bastard. 

Today I had a choice, obey the Spirit within me or surrender to the fear of man. Such an easy choice! I blithely stepped into obedience and rainbows broke out in the sky and unicorns started dancing in fields of daisies!  So NOT the way it actually happened. So not. Rather, it was publicly awkward, in a place where everyone knows me. Step aside Mariah, my turn... Except, shame is also a bastard, and I refuse to surrender to shame too. 

Could I have stepped out in a less awkward way? Probably. I have thought a several ways to redo it... It was messy. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Today I won a battle against the fear of man. There is a bit of debris to clean up, but through the clean up, the door to dialogue has been opened.
 
You see, Jesus delighted in my obedience! He wasn't looking at the mess I had made, He was rejoicing in my boldness and willingness. While this isn't actually new for me, the platform was. As a worship leader, I was afforded the opportunity to speak that I didn't have today. There was no beautiful segway from song to spoken word, today, it was just word. Today was baby steps in new territory. Jesus, like a proud parent, was delighted!


Who am I to please? God or Man? If that is my choice, hands down, I want to please God. Life brings forth more life. Birth is messy! Babies aren't born without a lot of pain and mess. Awkwardly executed obedience is simply the birthing process. Bring on the messy! 

I pray that we may be bold and embrace the awkward, messy process. I bless you with courage and boldness and a willingness to embrace the messy, there is life and hope on the other side. I hope you are surrounded by good people who will pick you up and brush you off and encourage you in the aftermath.  

Go forth into awkwardly executed obedience! Jesus has your back!

So Humilated!

As I enter my blog after almost a years absense, I found this, dated March 3, 2016. We've come so far, we aren't there yet but we're closer than we were before. 

OK, OK, I resorted to "click bait", it's true. I have had thoughts about humiliation v. humility for weeks. Let me give you a bit of background to that thought.

Currently,  we are quite literally living off the charity of others. Charity can have negative connotation in our society, especially if you are the one needing it. It is a word we can use frequently with a touch of superiority. We make "charitable donations", do charitable deeds for those less fortunate that ourselves. 

Charity is defined as, "benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity". The origin of the word is from a Latin word meaning Christian love, dearness. It's akin to Old Irish word meaning "friend". That is a word loaded with All The Good Things. We all admire those who have given their lives to charitable living, those living in the trenches, those who get into the dirt and grime to embrace marginalized people. Think Mother Teresa.

In our society, it is a noble thing to give to charity, even the government supports charitable donations. Giving to the needy had always filled me with good feelings. Seeing the needy pulls on my heart. I generally tear up when I do face-to-face charitable deeds.  It feels good. I also find it humbling. Giving costs me. Sometimes, not much at all, sometimes it's a big faith thing. Sometimes, an act of obedience. 

So, where I am now? On the receiving end, that's where. You know what's hard? RECEIVING! I am very independent (You're shocked, right?). Not being self sufficient is hard. Not being financial independent is hard. We put a lot of stock on that in our culture. It can be a thing of pride, not being financial independent can be a thing of much shame. I have felt plenty of shame about that myself. 

One day last summer after Paul lost his job, I was in my room angry cleaning. I was talking to Jesus, probably a bit angry there too, however, He's bigger than my anger and answered me anyway. Deep within my spirit I had such a strong sense that our next step was learning to live on faith. That did NOT inspire me! It filled me with dread! Great! I would NEVER have those things that I want! Ever! However, I knew with all that was in me that that voice was the Father's and His word is true. 

We are approaching one year of Paul not working and having cancer, not knowing when he will be able to work again. We have been living on my wage, which is good, but not sufficient for our expenses. We also had insurance on our mortgage and loan, thankful we made that decision. Life still costs more.  We have been subsidized by people who are giving, some from their overflow, some at cost to themselves. There is nothing so humbling as receiving the widow's mite. 

Which brings me to my point, weekly, sometimes almost daily, I come face-to-face with a choice, do I receive this humbly or do I feel humiliated? Saying "thank you" and feeling like that suffices, that is hard. This is just for us. Just because we are in need. I have to make the choice to hold my head up and understand that this is charity in the best possible definition. Sometimes, I feel myself wanting to curl up and feel humiliated. How dishonouring would that be to those who give out of CHARITY, out of love and friendship?

We are completely stunned and overwhelmed by the charity of our people. Seeing a glimpse of how many lives we actually have touched and who have touched us. It is a very humbling thing. We are so grateful to each and every person who has given of themselves to care for us and support us, just because we are us! That's really big. It is so big my eyes overflow at the thought. 

Recently someone asked me what my favorite Bible verse was. I'm not sure that I have one but if I do, chances are that it is the verse that my Oma had on her wall. 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.     Psalm 121:1-2
  
Or as it read on her wall:

Ich hebe meine Augen auf zu den Bergen von welchen mir Hilfe kommt.

Meine Hilfe kommt von dem HERRN, der Himmel und Erde gemacht hat.

Nothing remains truer. All these people are simply the hands and feet of my help source.  

I'm His Favorite

Favour, we all seek it. From infancy to adulthood, something inside of us cries out for favour. The favour of man is fleeting and subjective. The favour of the Father is eternal. The Bible is filled with promises of God pouring out his favor on his people.

I found myself looking for favour. I went to a conference for worship musicians. I was surrounded with people who were being drenched in His favour. I was not jealous, I was just looking for mine. To me, my favour looked like singer/songwriter. My friend was getting these songs just downloaded into her brain almost faster than she could write them out! My husband was receiving inspiration and wisdom daily. Me, I felt like I was just a sidekick. Nothing seemed to be coming in my direction. This was supposed MY time, I was the one who instigated this trip anyway!

I went to the prayer chapel one day at a time of overload. I wanted peace and time to just talk with Jesus. While I was at the chapel, sitting in the sunshine, I was getting my "download"! It didn't look at all like what I was looking for. No songs dripping with epicness dropped on my lap. Instead, I received a basic outline for our music program at church (which reminds me, I should really work on that...). It was good. It was relevant. It didn't look like what I was looking for at all.

Fast forward, skipping an epic moment or two, we returned to our normal lives. My husband had lost his job and we fully expected him to find work after we returned from our trip. Except, he didn't. About a month ago, we though we had something. It was good! It was service! It was going to be epic! Except that it crashed and burned, badly. It hurt. We were all in, sold out, willing to sacrifice everything to do what was set before us. Now what? God, what is going on? I was so certain in this path, more certain than I had ever been before, ever! I still believe that it was His plan, but all of us have choices, and others made choices that killed ours. Now what?

Amidst this heartbreak, the hubs was diagnosed with cancer. Are you serious? All this other crap isn't enough right now? What? Where does one go in all of that? I went into shock. Not medical, just a bit dead. I wasn't depressed, sad, angry, just emotionless. Thankfully, it's a "good kind of cancer to get", if there is such a thing, definitely not a death sentence.

Through all of this, I am still a worship leader. I still have to choose to get up in front of lots of people and lead them into worship. I can't do fake. They can tell if it is fake. Fake makes me vomit. Before we knew the diagnosis, we had been seeking prayer and others around us were being healed. Wow. And I'm His favorite? (seriously, I know we are all His favorites, OK? I get it, but that still means I'm His favorite!) The night before this shock broke off of me, I was praying about the worship I had to lead the next day. I had such a sense of God's favour hanging over our heads just waiting for us to reach for it (us, collectively, the church). During worship, I spoke about seeking His favour.

After the first service, I mulled over the thoughts in my head about favour. I know favour isn't fair. Favour is something that is good for us, something that the Father LOVES to give. I suddenly realized that I was looking for favour in the wrong place! I wasn't looking for favour where is was, I was looking for it where I wanted it to be. I was looking for ease of life, you know, a job, a healing or treatment, in my timeline, a brilliant song that would be song by hundreds. Instead my favour is the peace that I have had throughout what would normally be a really difficult summer. That's favour! An envelope on my car windshield jam pack with cash. That's favour! Coffee (Pumpkin Spice Latte) and muffin (Pumpkin/Cream cheese) delivered to me at work by two of my favorite people, on a Monday! Trust me, that's favour! A bunch of summer fresh veggies gifted by green thumbed friends, that's favour! Opening my wallet and finding a wad of cash with a note, "Rest in His Love". That is favour. Becoming a part of a group of friends that are becoming more and more like family, that is favour!

I can't look into someone else's life and see their favour and think that is what mine is supposed to look like. My life has my own struggles and my own glories. This valley that we are walking through is pretty deep. It seems very long. Yet, through it all, The Presence is so strong! The assurance that God's got this is overwhelming. 

This is an excerpt from The Passion Translation, Psalm 23, my new favorite.

"¹God is my Fierce Protector and my Pastor. I always have more than enough.
²He provides a resting place for me in His luxury-love. His tracks take me to the quiet brooks of bliss, the oasis of peace.
³That's where He restores and revives my life. He opens before me the pathways to God's pleasure, leading me along in His footsteps of righteousness, so that I can bring honor to His name.
⁴Lord, even when Your path takes me through The Valley of Deepest Darkness You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way. Because You are with me. I have no fear of danger! Your authority is my strength and peace. The comfort of Your love takes away my fear. I'll never be lonely for You are near.
⁵You become my delicious feast Even when my enemies dare to fight. You anoint me with the fragrance of Your Holy Spirit; You give me all I can drink of You until my heart overflows.
⁶So why would I fear the future? For Your goodness and unfailing love will always be my companions every day; Then afterward, when my life is through, I'll return to Your glorious presence to be forever with You!

Good, Good Father

What comes to your mind when you think "God"? Do you think of a loving daddy? Do you feel comfort? Are you frightened?

I am a Christian and have been since I was a very out spoken 6 year old. It was logical that I become a Christian, I was going to a Christian school after all. There was no earth shattering redemption from the black hole of filth of my own making. How much mess could a 6 year old have made? I was too young to drink, my mother would not have let me get away with anything terrible, even by 6 year old standards!

During my teen years I had a few renewals of the heart. I wanted to make good and sure all my bases were covered. Every one was heartfelt and sincere. I never got into much trouble as a teen so even then, no radical 180° turns required.

In my 20s I had to decide if my faith was truly my own and not just the result of my upbringing. Having small children did not leave me much time to THINK DEEP THOUGHTS very often. I do remember not trusting God with my children. I thought he would take them away from me to "teach me a lesson". Surely, I had plenty to learn. I survived pretty much on my own. I was exhausted.

Until recently, the picture in my mind when I thought of God was of good ole Abe Lincoln sitting on his concrete chair, cold and distant, waiting for me to mess up again to say, "See? I told you, you never listen!" I did not see a good father, I did not see someone who loves me.  



I have a good dad. He has been a great example of a good father to me. Why did I think God would not be a good father? I am sure many would analyze my life and say that my father let me down, did not praise me enough. To that I say, Phewy! If we are going to play that game, we will do so all the way back to Adam. I am sure my dad did not do ALL THE THINGS RIGHT. None of us do. I refuse to lay blame at my dad's feet. That would mean my children can do the same thing to me! There is no way I am perfect! I have broken most of the "Good Mother" rules. This will only bring about condemnation furthering defeat. Do I have little girl memories when my daddy hurt my heart? Of course I do! Did my dad intentionally do things to hurt me, ABSOLUTELY NOT! We all work within the scope of our life experiences and hurts.

I know why I thought of God as cold and distant. I will let you in on that little secret. As long as I remained intimidated by the God I serve, I remain ineffective. I have always believed in God's existence. I have only recently believed in His goodness. How can I inspire others to embrace the goodness and love of God if I myself do not believe? If satan's desire and mission is to cripple Christians, all he has to do is convince us to believe a lie. Mission accomplished. 

The picture I now see of God is still in His big chair, but now I see Him engaged in me! Looking at me like a father would look at a child he is enjoying. I have engaged with Him and saw myself sitting on His lap, snuggled into His chest. I am learning to speak to Him. Jesus' death on the cross makes it so that I can. The difference this understanding has made in my life is noticeable, even to those who do not know Him. This difference changes my entire perspective on who I am which in true effects how I speak to others, my children, my husband and every person that I meet. 

What do you see when you think of God?

 Here's what I know, He's a Good, Good Father.

I'm back!

These days so many thoughts are roiling around in my head and since processing my thoughts out loud usually leads to eyes rolling back in heads as people fall asleep, then they start to drool and it gets embarrassing. I often don't even know what I'm thinking until I hear myself say it. Oh, you've noticed?

I was just reading my old posts and I still feel the same. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! I do now work outside of the home. I am working as a legal secretary, so not what one would imagine me doing but, God is good. He provides and this is what I do. In four to five years, my bosses will retire. I don't want to find another secretarial job then. Eww.

Thoughts are clamouring to be let out. Do I have what it takes to be a mom, wife, secretary and student? Will my brain know how to study? Will it know how to retain information? Will it be what God has for me? I've gone down enough rabbit trails trying to do my own thing. Tired of that! Will my passions align with my purpose? That would be amazing!

See? Now you know why I might need to rant sometimes!

Musings of a Deep Thinker

Ha! You may not know this, but when I think, it is very deep. So deep I often can't verbalize what it is that I have concluded. Some thoughts just don't go away and must be thought completely before they will leave me at peace. There is a reason for this. God wants me to grasp something that I need to know.

Something very powerful is happening in our world these days. Everyone feels it. Not everyone understands what it is about. It is the stirring of a revival like we have never seen. There is a very powerful stirring happening in the youth and young adults around me. There is a boldness that I sure never experienced as a young person. I was always kind of embarrassed by the fact that I went to church (a weird one) and a Christian School. I was odd. I felt odd. I hated feeling odd. Now I'm use to it. I have embraced my oddness. It is inevitable.

In light of what I have observed, I have been pondering my role. I could feel really left out that I'm not on the cutting edge of this fiery passion. I don't. I see that it is something for the younger ones. My role is different.

Acts 2:17-18 comes to mind as I think these deep thoughts.
¹⁷ ‘In the last days,’ God says,
‘I will pour out my Spirit upon all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy.
Your young men will see visions,
and your old men will dream dreams.
¹⁸ In those days I will pour out my Spirit
even on my servants—men and women alike—
and they will prophesy.
(Just for the record, I'm not an old man. I'm not an old woman either. Considering that it the days that this was written, I would have fallen into the old woman category, I feel comfortable about using this for the purpose of formulating deep thoughts.)

I see the Spirit being poured out on all of us. I see it in my teens. I see it in my sister. I see it in my younger friends. I see it in my church. More over, I feel it in my spirit. It is more real than anything else I know.

I have concluded that my part in this amazing movement is that of a mentor. (Ack! Me being responsible! Egads! What is this world coming to?) Over my years of going to that weird church and Christian school, I have learned a ton of sound stuff! I might not know much about popular culture, but I know a heck of a lot about Christ Culture. I'm over feeling dumb and left out because I'm not up on the latest band, star, what have you. That won't get me anywhere and I really could care less. ( I didn't really care about the latest, but I did care about not knowing my own generation's information.)

I have been pondering this stuff for a couple of weeks a least. Today in church, the question was put out there for me, I'm sure of it. "What are the three top things you would like to be equipped in?" Guess what? I already had the answer for one of them. When does that ever happen? I'm not generally so prepared! Woot woot! Since this was put out to the home groups, I really don't need all of the answers, one will do!

I am finding that I am content when I am moving in the direction that I am called to. A huge step for me was leading praise. I've been part of the team for years. I used to in the weird church, but that was different. I KNOW that is what I am designed to do. I KNOW that I am to learn to hear my Father's voice so that I know without question what He is saying to me. The reason Jesus was never wrong is he KNEW his Father's voice. Imagine never having prayer unanswered, saying the right thing to someone at the right time, being His voice to those who haven't learned to hear it yet. Powerful. Not power to me, but glory to Him. Witness that makes Him undeniably awesome. Now that rocks!

Freedom

Last night there was an event. This event was not inspired by man. This was straight from the Father's hand. He called it, God of This City. It was His design. It was a night of inter-church praise and prayer.
About a year and a half ago, God put this night into the heart of Heather. She talked to her pastor and the timing was not right. Fast forward a year or so to a new pastor with the same dream in his heart. This dream was to break down the differences between local churches and bring us together.
I did not know Heather. I had met her, but never interacted with her. I too have had a burn for praise and church interaction.
Fast forward yet again. My friend, Karl, has worked with Heather before. She asked him to lead one of the praise teams. He asked me if I would sing. In a heart beat! Even at our first practice, I could feel "something". This was going to be amazing. As things progressed so did the the level of "amazing". I don't mean we were amazing, while we are good at what we do, it wasn't us. It was the Lion, He was on the move. I could feel Him.
My life had a bunch of things that all came to a head this weekend. Paul's shop was relocating. I was starting a new job. We started a new worship team for church and it was our turn to pick all the songs and organize it. I had the contract to clean the shop Paul's business was moving into. My life was so busy. My kids were feeling the pinch. To top it all off, we got the flu. I was in survival mode. I would have been there anyway without the added experience I was given.
It was really weird. While there is a huge learning curve in my job, I have been remarkably at peace. I have been catching on to things rather quickly (I think, you'd have to ask my co-worker to be sure!) God totally gave me this job. If God be for me, who could be against me?
With Paul's shop moving, we were out almost every night cleaning. The kids were home sick for an entire week. I had no down time. I felt like I was barely hanging on. Thursday night we went to our Home Group. We love our group. We have amazing people that speak into our lives and the lives of our kids. I went only because I had missed two weeks and didn't want to miss another. While there, I was miserable. The discussion was not stimulating to me. I just wanted out. Finally it was over and Miriam asked if they could pray for me. They knew this Event was coming. So they prayed for me. I was under attack spiritually. I too had gotten the flu and was afraid of losing my voice.
This has been an issue with me for years. Every time I had an opportunity to expand and sing and share, I got sick. I was getting quite angry about this. I know that I am called to sing and praise my Father. I was crying out that He heal my voice for real. A singer without a voice just doesn't work.
Anyway, back to Home Group, they prayed for me and I felt a bit of a release. I left my voice in God's hands and tried not to worry. Fast forward to Saturday morning worship practice. I was in a very bad state. I can't even really describe it. Miserable, weighted, weary. This begins to describe it. I wasn't nervous or scared or worried about singing. That would come later, but isn't a bothersome thing. It's part and parcel for the job. At the end of practice, Cheryl came to help me out. I kinda broke down. Paul, our pastor Brian, and Cheryl prayed for me. Finally, whatever the heaviness was, it was gone. I was limp. I was drained. I was empty. My voice was on the brink of leaving.
People talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel. The bottom of the barrel I was scraping was so polished, there weren't even any splinters left. The good news was, there was no more of me in the way at all. The only way I would make it though that night was if God filled me up. That requires stepping out in Faith.
After sound check, I came home and took a nap. When I woke up, I was still empty. I wrote a note to some of my friends and my sister, people who I know would support me and pray. It's not like this Event wasn't already well prayed for. It was. For each praise team, there was a prayer team. I just needed that little bit extra.
So to the Event I go. Butterflies were kicking in. We were the last team scheduled. We did a practice run though and went down to pray. There were about 40+ people involved in make the Event happen. We went down to pray together to for the night. The incredible power just in that prayer alone was more than I'd been exposed to in a very long time.
As the last team up, I sat in the crowd. Before we started, Heather opened with "permission", if you will, to worship God as we saw fit. Freedom in the spirit. What a gift. At first I stood. I wasn't singing in an effort to save what voice power I had. Eventually I sat and let the the Almighty Waters wash over me. It was in at theater so it was dark and no one was looking. Tears streamed down my face. I made no effort to stop them. Freedom.
After one team was finished, I went out to the foyer. Tamara, a sweet, broken-hearted 13 year old I know and love, was sitting out there with her back to the doors. I went and hugged her. I asked her why she was sitting out there all by herself. She said, "Truthfully? I have never cried like that in a service before." I hugged her tighter and prayed, prayed words that could only have come from God. She hugged me even tighter. You've got to understand this girl. She has been betrayed by the one man on earth who is suppose to be a real life example of God to her. He has broken her heart. As protection, she has hardened her heart. Show no deep emotion, and no one will hurt me. She was out there trying to regain control. She clung to me. I brought her back in and told her to cry and let God heal her heart. I gave her to a good man who would not hurt her, Paul. He hugged her and was there.
Through all the WORSHIP I tried not to sing. I could still feel that weakness in my throat, threatening disaster. I still surrendered and worshiped, just not with the gift I have been given.
One of the groups sang, "I Exalt Thee". This song is one that has been simmering in the back of my heart for awhile. I let loose. I gave it everything I have. At that point, I decided that if I was to lose my voice, I would lose it praising my Father. Praise Him I did. With everything I had. Finally, I was being fill again. At some point after that, I realized that the scratch in my throat was gone. He came though. He did promise.
I have no idea how we did as far as how was the "performance" would have been rated. Good news. I really don't care. I know I have been nourished like I've not been nourished in a very, very long time. I know that I loved seeing Karl leading and doing what he's called to do. I loved working with others of the same mind and spirit. I love that there was freedom to worship as God himself gave us freedom. There were flag wavers, tambourine whacker, Indian dancers. Those aren't my cup of tea, but it was theirs. They were free too.
My children were there. This was a bit of a new experience for the younger ones since we don't attend a charismatic church. Michael has had more exposure. He understood what was going on. I watched my littles sit for 3 hours without complaining at all. Jamison sat in the front row. He was still. He sat with his head back on the chair and just absorbed. Jonathan just curled up on his chair. You've got to understand, these boys are boys. Sitting isn't something they do. Whether they understood or not, the power was still there and it moved them. Adriana could feel it. She absorbed it.
Michael sat with some friends and they were moved. Bethany, Tamara's sister, was sitting with him. Both were letting the tears flow freely. Until I screwed up. Then she laughed! But that's OK. This was not emotionalism. This was the Spirit of God moving, alive and powerful. Almost an entire row was taken up by youth from the church I attend. They were all fed. That makes me very excited. This is my son's peer group. God is moving IN them. If He is moving in them, He will move though them.
The effects of this night are eternal. After a performance, there is often an empty feeling that comes. All that work and now it's over. I was sort of expecting that last night. It never came. It was still there this morning during church. I could still sing. I fully expected to have laryngitis. I don't. I sang through two services and still could sing. It is nothing short of miraculous. I am so thankful. Words can't describe it.
You see, for months I have been praying that God would bring freedom of worship to me. I'm not sure if it's European reserve passed down though generations, classical training or just plain old fear that makes me like I am. I want to be free to worship effectively in public as well as private. I'm too concerned with how I appear. I don't want to care. I want to be free. Last night a good work was begun. I am becoming free. God heard my heart's cry and he answered. I am hungry for more. That was just a beginning.

Happy November! November is a month I'm rather partial to. It is the month that introduced me to the world and it's never been the same! In a few days, I will be 38. For some reason that sounds kinda old to me. I'm still younger than my collection of friends, not that it really matters. It's just so fun to rub in! IN just two years, I will be 40. Yikes! I know it's no big deal. I watched my friend Kim and my Sister pass that milestone this year and they seem to be taking it fine. I'm sure I'll survive just fine!
Way back in January, I alluded to certain events brewing in my head. At the time, I was too chicken to say it out loud. In September I picked up the phone and made a commitment. Scary stuff, that phone! I called the lady who is now my piano teacher. I also called the lady who is teaching me music theory, Judy. She's a big deal in my life. Judy was teaching me voice a couple of years ago. It is she who planted the idea in my head. Voice lessons were interrupted when Judy was in an accident that certainly changed her life dramatically. We have kept in touch and I called on her for input into how I should approach this next step in my life. So the big idea is.... MUSIC!!!!! I am pursuing a career in music. My goal is currently vocal with piano teaching after that. Sure wish I had applied myself when I was younger!
I love taking piano. I even like practicing. I look forward to playing really well someday! It is hard work making one's brain do things it hasn't done for years! All those little black notes are harder to read than they use to be too! I am so excited to finally be taking steps in the direction that I know I'm suppose to go. It just feels right. I think everyone is given a talent and a passion that is theirs to nurture. It is in that field that they will find success and a contentment. Now I do need to find a job to support my studies to get me to the point of generating income through music. Later! Gotta go practice.

In lieu of something profound

Well, school is over finally and we've had our long weekend. And what a weekend it was! I am one of the few adult women who enjoy camping... in a tent! I was uncomfortable and cold and not showered and I loved it. There is something so peaceful about being outside, cooking, eating, playing with the kids or watching them play, playing with fire, drinking "camping coffee", and sitting up late around the campfire watching the flames.

We were invited to a Grand Opening by some good friends of ours. Her sister and brother-in-law have an adventure company, The Outdoor Life Adventure Company. They were offering guided wildlife tours, riverboat tours, and a tour through the Ancient Forest. There was the option to camp. I latched on to that and next thing you know were all camping with the exception of "The Princess". She does not camp.

Friday noon we took off in a small caravan (can 2 vehicles be a caravan?) and drove 160 kms to Crescent Spur where Outdoor Life has carved out a small corner to share with outsiders. The campground is tucked away in the corner of a field with the river on two sides of it. We picked our spots and Paul, Michael and Karl set up camp. We set up a little cook tent too. During this process we kept a wary eye on the other people across the way, one never know what sort of people they might be...

After the inaugural cup of coffee (a "must" with Karl around) and feeding the kids sandwiches to tide them over, we started making supper. We eventually ventured over to the fire. Some of the "other people" were over there. In no time at all we were very comfortably conversing and having a great time with them.

After eating, the kids scattered. Jonathan found a bike and kept himself busy all weekend. Jamison managed to find a hornets nest and got two stings! Adriana went off with the girls and we hardly saw her at all. Much to my joy, there were two boys Michael's age there. He is often the odd man out because he is older than our friends' kids.

Backtracking a bit, Rod, the boat man, took Michael and the two boys across the river to go fishing. They had one radio and I had the other. Two hours passed and it was supper time. I called to the boys on the radio and didn't get a response. So I handed the radio to Paul for him to figure out. Paul could hear them yelling but couldn't get them on the radio. Off goes Rod in search of the boys. Poor stranded boys had gotten over there and the radio had died. A good bonding experience for sure. No fish but they saw a beaver and decided to to eat Dallas if Rod never returned. Never underestimate the ingenuity of hungry teenagers.

After a hefty consumption of s'mores, the kids were packed off to bed. Jonathan had made a bet with Karl and I that if he stayed up until 1:00 we'd each pay him $5. He tried so hard and it wasn't a fair bet since I have the power to send him to bed. When Paul showed up after 12 and made him lay down, he was very upset... and promptly fell asleep.

I made an excursion to answer the call of nature at 5:30 the next morning. It was so peaceful and glorious. I went down by the river and would love to have spent an hour drinking coffee and enjoying the solitude. Somehow sleep called me back to the tent.

There is nothing like crawling out of the tent and being handed a cup of steaming coffee. It didn't exactly happen like that but a girl can dream, can't she?! After a hearty breakfast of pancakes, eggs, bacon and coffee, we went on our wildlife tour. With five 9-11 year olds, sneaking up on wildlife was a bit of a joke and not likely to happen. I felt like the pied piper. Every time I tried to approach the guide to hear what he had to say, all the kids followed me and I could not escape! I'm sure he was a wealth of knowledge. Paul would know... I just enjoyed being outside walking with all the kids and seeing them have so much fun just "being". We did spot a mamma black bear with a cub while all the noisy ones (Karl and the kids) were lagging behind.

After lunch, we went to the Ancient Forest. I wish I could remember all the scientific information about it, but it was so beautiful and something I would highly recommend. There is more biomass located in that forest than in any other inland rainforest. It is one of only two inland rain forests in the world. The other one is in south america. "Ours" is the more impressive of the two. 5% of the worlds carbon store is in our rainforest. "The Princess" showed up and actually was seen hiking in the forest. Like Michael said, "I haven't ever seen her outside her house before."

While we waited for our last adventure of the day, Paul and I played with the GPS and had our first venture with geocaching. It was kinda fun and we almost missed our boat ride.

The riverboat was a blast! Rod is an extreme sportsman and known for his wild side. He's goal was to make his passengers scream. I think he was a little disappointed in that I was not getting freaked out! It was kinda fun messing with him. Ultimately, he did succeed. I was too relaxed and lost my seat and banged my arm. I confess, I screamed. I'm sure it was the pain...=D

Karl and the kids packed up and left us there for one more night. It rained. The air mattress is now just a rubber flat thing destined for recycling. Adriana and I finally went to sleep in the van at 1:00 AM so Paul could sleep on her mattress and at least one of us would get enough sleep to drive home in the morning. We woke to a wet world, fed the kids what we could without cooking and headed home.

I can't wait to do it again!

Yikes a Mighty!

It has been over a year since I last posted. I'm sure no one is out there anymore. I have given renewed thoughts about blogging on a somewhat regular basis! Yeah right!

OK, so new year, new ideas or rather old ideas recycled. I have plans for this year that I'm not sure I've ever put into play before. A year ago, I had stated out loud that I wished to teach knitting classes. I love, love, love, knitting! I found out that the owner of the local yarn shop taught classes and had a teacher for them already. I kind of forgot about it early on in the year. I went to the Stitch and Bitch and generally had a good time. The lady teaching is older and has had cancer before and seems to have a reoccurrence. This is sad news. On the other hand, she wanted out of teaching the class. In December I was asked to teach! I was so excited. Still am. Today was my first class. The girls had a great time and the pattern I chose will definitely challenge and expand their knowledge. Whoo, I rock!

OK, this has been fun and refreshing, I should do it again sometime. I'm off to see Jesus Christ, Superstar tonight with my friend B. I have so many other plans rattling around in my brain. I'm not ready to spill yet, but it's coming!

If anyone is still out there , drop me a line and let me know! Thanks, K

Moving!

We are moving. Seriously, we are moving in two weeks. Five days before Christmas. Who in their right minds would add something else into an already chaotic month? Apparently us! We have been wanting a bigger house for a while. We've seriously outgrown our current house. Paul and I went looking on Saturday and saw THE house and made an offer. We finally had all the kinks worked out by noon today. What a relief! So now I will begin packing like a mad woman and do all the other busyness associated with the blessed Christmas season and on Christmas day my new house will be filled with the delicious smell of Golden Turkey, Pumpkin Pie and peaceful children pleased to be in their new bedrooms, which incidentally they are getting for Christmas! Merry Christmas Everyone!

What's with people these days?

Honestly! I've been listening to the news today, not something I usually do. What a bunch of IDIOTS! These people pretending to help rule this Country are trying to throw it under the bus! Who in their right minds would in these unstable times, try to pull what they are trying to pull? Come on! I'm no financial genius but like anyone who thinks with their head, I realize that serious things need to be taken care of. Our entire society needs to pull up it socks and become responsible for ourselves. Stop spending just so we can have stuff that complicates our lives. How many TVs does one person actually need? So Steven Harper, who we voted in not once but twice, is an economist. We have had years of Liberal spending and NDP credit card spending. What do you suppose we should do to recover? Who should we rely on to fix our country? We could be a powerful country again. We have so much to offer the world and ourselves. I really want to protest  and yell and rant and rave to get some sense into those spoilt politicians trying to destroy this country. I don't want to be answering to China or India. I AM CANADIAN!  

My trip to the Dentist

I'm trying to keep up with my witty friend and fellow blogger, and adopted niece and... I'll stop there. She's really indescribable. www.randomhillary.blogspot.com  Anyway, I had to get a filling replaced today. I found out something really interesting. I'm not a nervous patient. I like my Dentist and his team. It is always a good time. Well, except for the part where my mouth is full of hands and I can't be sassy!

Anyway, after he injected the pain killer stuff, I started getting really jittery. Kinda like I was on way more coffee than is good for me. I told the assistant just because my mouth wasn't full of hands yet and I had to get some talking out. I found out that they use epinephrine in the painkiller stuff. Some of it got into my blood stream and made my heart race. The reason for this is that epinephrine shrinks that blood vessels to keep the drugs localized longer for effectiveness. Isn't that smart? I was impressed. Shortly after that, the dam was placed in my mouth and with it they lost their opportunity to teach me.    

Windows and Computers

Windows are and should be pleasant items, or at least a portal to a beautiful view. When Mr. Gates started out, I wonder if he thought about that. I'm sure when he started out he never intended to cause more headaches than he solved. He has made his gazillions and moved on I'm sure. I've heard he and his wife are good people who do lots of great things for people in need. Good for them. 

Now, for us. I recently bought a new laptop. It was a nice little laptop. I liked the graphics, the feel of the keys, the new model. I was very excited to bring it home. I had the good staff at Future Shop do the set up on it. I paid about $300 over ticket price for this handy unit. I brought it home. I connected it to the ethernet cable. Nothing happened, unless of course, you count the can of worms that opened up. Nothing was coming up. So I called my own personal geek. Well, not mine per say, my friend's husband. He talked me through several options and nothing worked. He came here on Monday and couldn't find anything. I called my IPS (internet service provider)at least once a day all week long. I made two trips to the Future Shop. I left the computer with them for an hour for testing. No surprise it worked for them. We narrowed it down, it had to be the ISP. Once again I was on the phone with them, sometimes I was speaking to someone in India, sometimes in New Brunswick. The one person I couldn't speak to was the tech. I cannot count the number of times I restarted my computer, how many times I access the command prompt. Nothing worked. Doing the same thing over and over and over gets the same results. It is pointless to tell them that I'd done it all before. At one point I was so frustrated and threaten to call the competition, the genius on the other end stated that they couldn't help because they weren't my provider. Duh! I guess some people have to have everything explained to them. 

Finally, I talked to the actual person who could help me from our ISP. We spent 1 hour and 10 minutes on the phone. We did finally break through and got connected to the internet! Yea! oh, wait! I can't use any of the sites I check everyday. No facebook, no Mary Kay site, not even hotmail. Isn't hotmail owned by microsoft? Their own site doesn't work with their software! I finally lost it! I had had enough! Still not sure what took me so long to lose it! I called Gord, the geek, he said, go buy a macbook. 

I went to Future Shop and with a firm rein on my fuming temper, I told them what was happening and what I wanted. I could tell that I wasn't believed. Do you know how many times I was told that no one has ever had a problem with Vista and Windows Onelive? Funny, it must just be me! 

I am now the proud owner of a macbook. I will never go back. I cannot believe the difference. No setup required. 

Only takes a second to start.

Everything works.

No 'thinking' time

Everyone needs a mac.

September

What weird month for me. I spent the month exhausting myself, trying to validate me. The thing is, I don't need to. I am me and that's all that matters. I am a mother. I have a job. The pay stinks, but I am needed. When I was chasing my validation, I was pushing my agenda not my passions. I wanted to say, I'm Kelly, the student or the school bus driver or whatever. I gotta say, those are just words that don't actually change what or who I am. See, in some ways, I'm living my dream. All I wanted to be when I was a kid was a wife and mom. Guess what I am? See, that's living the dream. Now I'd like to add a few things to that and I can. I need to add things that fit. My kids need a mom full time. It is a noble, exhausting, frustration, underrated, underpaid profession but they say the grandchildren are worth it. I do have a part time business that I can work that won't hurt my family and will be good for me. So work it I shall. I will also keep making those lunches that come home half eaten. (That really bugs me) I will keep cleaning up after the kids. I will keep trying to get eternal messages through the thick skulls of my kids. They say that pays off too!
There is a great song out there called "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli. It's my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAxLTUt_qzg

It is finished

OK, remember my post from last week? Remember the stress that I was enduring? Well, guess what? I stinkin' quit! That's right, quit! And I don't even feel bad. I sat in the first 3 minutes of math class and decided that I didn't want to try to catch up 10 days of work. So I walked out. I went to Chemistry. I sat through the whole class. I need to do catch up for this too since I started so late. I'm sitting there thinking about my reason for being there. There in lies the problem. I don't have a reason. I did have a reason, but then reason got in the way and that reason left me. (Are you following?) For now, the life of the college student, is not for me. Surely there is something out there for me that doesn't involve math. I'm smart enough. I can do lots of things. Darnit! There really otta' be a school for mothers utilizing all our skills and putting it in the proper lingo to get us a great paying job.

Keeping Current

All my lofty promises of being a better blogger have gone by the wayside as I'm sure have my 3 faithful readers. My life has been so full these last few weeks that I must write something down lest I burst. School has started this week for the kids...and me! What kinda' crazy person finally gets the house to herself and then enrolls in college? Well, obviously me. Today, I thought I was an idiot to have done such a thing. I have to do College and Career Preparation. All that means is all those years of chomping at the bit to get out of school were largely futile. Lovely. I had to take a placement test and made it to grade 11 math. I cried through it the first time I took it. Guess what? I looked at it today, and I cried again.
Yesterday was actually the first day for me. I spent most of the day running up and down and all around to try to get into the classes that I wanted to (or thought I did!) I signed up for the Chemistry 045 (Gr. 11) and got it be in the lab. I was exited even though it was just teaching basic safety. I have very little patience when having to listen to common sense being taught, but the thrill of being in the lab made even that interesting. I have always wanted to be in the lab.
I also have to take Math 045. I like some math, but some of it is so abstract to me that, well, I cry! The class I signed up for was self-directed and very difficult since there aren't any lectures. There is a teacher there for help, but I have a feeling that she would begin to shake her head if I started asking for help in the way that I feel I need it.
Today dawns bright and beautiful and I have a sick child that needs to stay home. I have already missed about 10 days of classes because of the late start I'm getting. (Do you feel my stress level raising?) I take the kids to school and sit down to do my math. I'm looking at it and I see how simple this section is. Basically, it's refreshing what you already know. Only, I don't get it. Rational numbers? Irrational numbers? It all sound bloody irrational to me. I'm sleep deprived and I have a little person chattering to me (one that is usually not chatty) and I'm so overwhelmed that I want to quit. I know that I cannot do this. I'm not a quitter, but this is crazy.
I had a meeting with my Chemistry teacher at 10. I had to get a friend to watch the child and go to the college to pick up my materials. My teacher is a man. I started to ask him some basic questions about the importance of doing what I am doing. (My original goal of lab tech may not be something I'm willing to do because of the intensity, having a family etc.) Of all the things to do, I start to bawl. I HATE bawling in public. I don't even know this guy, I met him less than 24hours before and I'm bawling out my problems... Oh the humiliation! This must have happened before because he took it all in stride, didn't even get that funny look most men get when faced with a crying woman. He talked some sense into me and set me on a better road than Math 045. I'll be taking Math 044. Then when i am confident about that, I can move on. So tomorrow, I will once again set off for the invigorating halls of CNC, knowing that I'm not crazy, at least not entirely, and I can do this and I won't be wasting my time.

My Dear Son

My dear son, Michael, is at the cusp of his teen years. His brain cells are starting to receive testosterone and, having no idea what to do with it all, they die. In the process, he is very forgetful and spacey. He regularly forgets homework, due dates and other important things. On of these things happens to be his ukulele. As a result, the boy is failing music. This is a gifted child, one who has the potential to actually make money in the music industry.
This morning I had a couple of extra hours that I was going to spend drinking tea and eating chocolate. I was looking forward to this peaceful time with all that was in me. There is yet another Pro D day at school tomorrow so there was an extra push to have peace and quiet time. I took the kids to school early and couldn't wait for the van door to close behind them. As Michael is getting out of the van, he remembers today is Thursday, a ukulele day. The bottom sorta drops out of his day. He had just been given a talking to about failing etc. So I said the typical lecture-y things they never listen to and drive away. Since I'm not a fierce as I'd like to think I am, I went home and got his ukulele and took it to him. (Incidental, another mom did the same thing twice this week!) He was never so happy to see me in his life. I took him a mocha too because I thought he needed something special to get him through today.
My tea time never actually materialized. I had to go pick up Paul too. As I was getting ready to go to work, I grabbed the towel to wipe the steam off the bathroom mirror. As I looked up at the mirror, I saw a note that had been written for me this morning. "We love you, Mom" had been written in the steam even before we left for school. This message was such a treat for me. I never did wipe off the mirror. I can't wait to read it again next time I shower. It is a quiet reminder to me to take a moment and remember the little things.