Warrior Women

This is a post I wrote almost a year ago. A lot has happened since this post was originally written, several edits have been made. Perhaps I share this to remind myself of the bigger picture.

Recently, one of my friends who has watched the significant dishonouring of older mentor-friends, had written some heart-felt thoughts on what she is seeing. She is questioning her place in leadership as a woman in the church. Her post is a cry for justice and freedom in a world that has held women in a position contrary to our design for centuries. Maybe I’ll just let her tell you:

As those of you who are near to me know, my entire spiritual landscape has been in near complete disarray for a good couple months. I am disappointed by decisions that appear to forgo grace, gentleness, love and relationship in favour of appearances and theological nuance.

I have seen my spiritual mentors and matriarchs being called out on their decisions in trying to set healthy boundaries, create appropriate spaces for spiritual growth, and walk boldly in the direction in which God is calling them. Seeing this affliction makes me question my own positioning in leadership as I continue to look to their example. Not because I fear that they were bad role models but because I know they are great ones. How can I stand in agreement with them? How can I expect to be built up if they are being cut down?

In trying to articulate my frustrations and additionally my desire for both spiritual diversity and wellness, I stumbled upon Larry Osborne’s Accidental Pharisees. This book so clearly outlines where we can go wrong in trying to force propriety. The chapters on how uniformity destroys unity sum up so much of what I am learning through the turbulence of this month:

“We become accidental Pharisees when we lay down boundary markers that are narrower than the ones laid down by Jesus and then treat people who line up on the wrong side of our markers as if they were spiritual imposters or enemies of the Lord. Our goal may be to protect the flock. But boundary markers that are narrower than the ones Jesus laid down don’t protect the flock; they divide the flock. They sow discord among brothers, something God says he’s not too fond of. (Proverbs 6:16–19)” pg. 201

Accidental Pharisees

As I was responding to her post, I realized what I had to say was bigger than a comment and decided to invite the world into my thoughts and what I have learned and am learning in this crazy time. 

I have been following God and learning to step out boldly in obedience (often awkwardly executed) to follow where he is leading me. Part of this role that I find myself in requires pushing hard against the old way of doing things. The way that says women can lead women’s ministries, meet during the week and sip tea and talk about “women things” rather than take an active role in ministry to all. I gotta be honest, that is not my jam... I drink tea but I also wanna kick some serious ass! My desire to do fun, aggressive things is not an attempt to be like a man, they are ME! I am a warrior woman! I too was created for battle.

I have been consistently shut down by male leadership in walking in my purpose. I see it for what it is, for we wrestle not against flesh and blood (Eph 6). I have repeatedly been knocked down and have to go deeper and deeper to find the strength to get back up again. Honestly, it's exhausting. 

Paving the way is really hard work. It requires endurance. It requires "big girl knickers". It requires integrating feelings with God's word. It requires knowing what to agree with. We cannot pick sides of right vs. wrong. Rather, we must find the TRUTH and agree with Him. When picking sides it is entirely too easy to align with division. That also is not my jam.

When we find ourselves really struggling and feeling like there is no end in sight, keep going! This is about you! What are YOU going to do when you are following the path in front of you and all you can perceive is resistance and rejection? Keep going! It is a test of our faith and an exercise in endurance. The battle gets tougher as we become exhausted, when our endurance is being stretched. Like our physical bodies, our spirits need conditioning and training. It is easier to overcome when we have developed the necessary "muscles".

There is a stirring within women all around the world! This is a good thing and it is TIME! There have been many forerunners and pioneers. They have laid the groundwork to enable this next wave of Women Warriors. Let's not let them down! Let us grab hold of God and each other and take this next step. It is TIME for us to press in! It is time for us to build each other up and stop tearing each other down. Let's not let Satan win! (Spoiler alert, he doesn't...) We have two choices, align with Papa God or be complacent. God is calling us to do the hard things. Let's DO THIS!

God is ALWAYS GOOD

Recently the sun has been shining and I have been renewed. I live in a northern zone that lacks sufficient vitamin D to last the winter and as a result, winter blues are a thing. Throw some sun, fresh mowed grass and time with friends around my backyard firepit at me and I am restored. 

Sunday evening I posted a photo of our Bing Cherry bush loaded with flowers, #godisgood. Today is Wednesday and struggles have come as they tend to do. It has been resting in my spirit that God is still good. I tend not to confess this during the struggle, I still know it, but don't proclaim it. That still small voice is encouraging me to confess His goodness as publicly as I did on that beautiful sunny evening.

I am not theologian or well read on ALL THE THINGS. I am a child of God learning to know my Father. Sometimes it is a struggle. This is one thing I know. I have first hand experience. God sees the big picture and what looks to us like harm is actually good, because GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. 

Having the dreaded "C" word cyclone through our family, up close and personal, has increased my understanding of the Goodness of God. I hear accusations against God about all that is wrong with the world. I hear believers shrinking their theology to fit their human understanding. Let me tell you now, God is Good. Sometimes, not being healed IS GOOD! Why, because we don't see the big picture! Big picture made slightly smaller, while Paul was going through cancer, he was supernaturally heal, not of cancer, but his kidney! (I won't tell you the story because it is his to tell, however, we have medical evidence that he was indeed healed). Why didn't God heal the cancer at the same time? I mean, he was RIGHT THERE! Surely it wouldn't have taken any more superpowers to heal the cancer too! 

Here's the thing, God has a bigger picture for Paul, for all of us. He has things to teach us through our struggle. We don't learn THE BIG THINGS without the struggle. We don't develop deep, abiding relationships without the struggle. If the struggle doesn't happen, we don't get tested and if we don't get tested, do we really know how deep our trust in God's goodness actually goes? 

My struggle this week is an old one, the issue at hand is not really relevant to this post. What IS relevant is that even though I am not feelin' all the rays of sunshine in this moment, God is still good. All the time. Every stinkin' day! Hashtag God is Good. Hashtag all the time. 

Awkwardly Executed Obedience

I came across this lovely turn of phrase today while writing an email as a follow up to my "awkwardly executed obedience". As uncomfortable as it is, I feel inspired to write about it. (as an hysterical aside, my sister's blog is called "Wild Obedience"... she definitely is the wordsmith!)

2016 was a HARD YEAR. It sucked! There is no nice way of describing the truth of it. Painful, empty, hopeless, like being stuck in a mud bog, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere. Winter, the ugly part of Winter, not the beautiful snowy parts, the despairingly bleak part of winter. 

2017 dawned and brought me hope. It stirred a fire in my spirit, like the dawning of Spring. Life has been renewed and hope has restored. I am seeing green shoots of promised victories poking through the muck that remains of 2016.

 It is not my desire to be awkward, or to make others feel awkward. That being said, I volunteered a long time ago to do and say the hard things to pave the way for others. I have been called to be brave and courageous. Fear has not made that easy. Fear is a bastard. 

Today I had a choice, obey the Spirit within me or surrender to the fear of man. Such an easy choice! I blithely stepped into obedience and rainbows broke out in the sky and unicorns started dancing in fields of daisies!  So NOT the way it actually happened. So not. Rather, it was publicly awkward, in a place where everyone knows me. Step aside Mariah, my turn... Except, shame is also a bastard, and I refuse to surrender to shame too. 

Could I have stepped out in a less awkward way? Probably. I have thought a several ways to redo it... It was messy. Would I do it again? Absolutely! Today I won a battle against the fear of man. There is a bit of debris to clean up, but through the clean up, the door to dialogue has been opened.
 
You see, Jesus delighted in my obedience! He wasn't looking at the mess I had made, He was rejoicing in my boldness and willingness. While this isn't actually new for me, the platform was. As a worship leader, I was afforded the opportunity to speak that I didn't have today. There was no beautiful segway from song to spoken word, today, it was just word. Today was baby steps in new territory. Jesus, like a proud parent, was delighted!


Who am I to please? God or Man? If that is my choice, hands down, I want to please God. Life brings forth more life. Birth is messy! Babies aren't born without a lot of pain and mess. Awkwardly executed obedience is simply the birthing process. Bring on the messy! 

I pray that we may be bold and embrace the awkward, messy process. I bless you with courage and boldness and a willingness to embrace the messy, there is life and hope on the other side. I hope you are surrounded by good people who will pick you up and brush you off and encourage you in the aftermath.  

Go forth into awkwardly executed obedience! Jesus has your back!

So Humilated!

As I enter my blog after almost a years absense, I found this, dated March 3, 2016. We've come so far, we aren't there yet but we're closer than we were before. 

OK, OK, I resorted to "click bait", it's true. I have had thoughts about humiliation v. humility for weeks. Let me give you a bit of background to that thought.

Currently,  we are quite literally living off the charity of others. Charity can have negative connotation in our society, especially if you are the one needing it. It is a word we can use frequently with a touch of superiority. We make "charitable donations", do charitable deeds for those less fortunate that ourselves. 

Charity is defined as, "benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity". The origin of the word is from a Latin word meaning Christian love, dearness. It's akin to Old Irish word meaning "friend". That is a word loaded with All The Good Things. We all admire those who have given their lives to charitable living, those living in the trenches, those who get into the dirt and grime to embrace marginalized people. Think Mother Teresa.

In our society, it is a noble thing to give to charity, even the government supports charitable donations. Giving to the needy had always filled me with good feelings. Seeing the needy pulls on my heart. I generally tear up when I do face-to-face charitable deeds.  It feels good. I also find it humbling. Giving costs me. Sometimes, not much at all, sometimes it's a big faith thing. Sometimes, an act of obedience. 

So, where I am now? On the receiving end, that's where. You know what's hard? RECEIVING! I am very independent (You're shocked, right?). Not being self sufficient is hard. Not being financial independent is hard. We put a lot of stock on that in our culture. It can be a thing of pride, not being financial independent can be a thing of much shame. I have felt plenty of shame about that myself. 

One day last summer after Paul lost his job, I was in my room angry cleaning. I was talking to Jesus, probably a bit angry there too, however, He's bigger than my anger and answered me anyway. Deep within my spirit I had such a strong sense that our next step was learning to live on faith. That did NOT inspire me! It filled me with dread! Great! I would NEVER have those things that I want! Ever! However, I knew with all that was in me that that voice was the Father's and His word is true. 

We are approaching one year of Paul not working and having cancer, not knowing when he will be able to work again. We have been living on my wage, which is good, but not sufficient for our expenses. We also had insurance on our mortgage and loan, thankful we made that decision. Life still costs more.  We have been subsidized by people who are giving, some from their overflow, some at cost to themselves. There is nothing so humbling as receiving the widow's mite. 

Which brings me to my point, weekly, sometimes almost daily, I come face-to-face with a choice, do I receive this humbly or do I feel humiliated? Saying "thank you" and feeling like that suffices, that is hard. This is just for us. Just because we are in need. I have to make the choice to hold my head up and understand that this is charity in the best possible definition. Sometimes, I feel myself wanting to curl up and feel humiliated. How dishonouring would that be to those who give out of CHARITY, out of love and friendship?

We are completely stunned and overwhelmed by the charity of our people. Seeing a glimpse of how many lives we actually have touched and who have touched us. It is a very humbling thing. We are so grateful to each and every person who has given of themselves to care for us and support us, just because we are us! That's really big. It is so big my eyes overflow at the thought. 

Recently someone asked me what my favorite Bible verse was. I'm not sure that I have one but if I do, chances are that it is the verse that my Oma had on her wall. 

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.     Psalm 121:1-2
  
Or as it read on her wall:

Ich hebe meine Augen auf zu den Bergen von welchen mir Hilfe kommt.

Meine Hilfe kommt von dem HERRN, der Himmel und Erde gemacht hat.

Nothing remains truer. All these people are simply the hands and feet of my help source.  

I'm His Favorite

Favour, we all seek it. From infancy to adulthood, something inside of us cries out for favour. The favour of man is fleeting and subjective. The favour of the Father is eternal. The Bible is filled with promises of God pouring out his favor on his people.

I found myself looking for favour. I went to a conference for worship musicians. I was surrounded with people who were being drenched in His favour. I was not jealous, I was just looking for mine. To me, my favour looked like singer/songwriter. My friend was getting these songs just downloaded into her brain almost faster than she could write them out! My husband was receiving inspiration and wisdom daily. Me, I felt like I was just a sidekick. Nothing seemed to be coming in my direction. This was supposed MY time, I was the one who instigated this trip anyway!

I went to the prayer chapel one day at a time of overload. I wanted peace and time to just talk with Jesus. While I was at the chapel, sitting in the sunshine, I was getting my "download"! It didn't look at all like what I was looking for. No songs dripping with epicness dropped on my lap. Instead, I received a basic outline for our music program at church (which reminds me, I should really work on that...). It was good. It was relevant. It didn't look like what I was looking for at all.

Fast forward, skipping an epic moment or two, we returned to our normal lives. My husband had lost his job and we fully expected him to find work after we returned from our trip. Except, he didn't. About a month ago, we though we had something. It was good! It was service! It was going to be epic! Except that it crashed and burned, badly. It hurt. We were all in, sold out, willing to sacrifice everything to do what was set before us. Now what? God, what is going on? I was so certain in this path, more certain than I had ever been before, ever! I still believe that it was His plan, but all of us have choices, and others made choices that killed ours. Now what?

Amidst this heartbreak, the hubs was diagnosed with cancer. Are you serious? All this other crap isn't enough right now? What? Where does one go in all of that? I went into shock. Not medical, just a bit dead. I wasn't depressed, sad, angry, just emotionless. Thankfully, it's a "good kind of cancer to get", if there is such a thing, definitely not a death sentence.

Through all of this, I am still a worship leader. I still have to choose to get up in front of lots of people and lead them into worship. I can't do fake. They can tell if it is fake. Fake makes me vomit. Before we knew the diagnosis, we had been seeking prayer and others around us were being healed. Wow. And I'm His favorite? (seriously, I know we are all His favorites, OK? I get it, but that still means I'm His favorite!) The night before this shock broke off of me, I was praying about the worship I had to lead the next day. I had such a sense of God's favour hanging over our heads just waiting for us to reach for it (us, collectively, the church). During worship, I spoke about seeking His favour.

After the first service, I mulled over the thoughts in my head about favour. I know favour isn't fair. Favour is something that is good for us, something that the Father LOVES to give. I suddenly realized that I was looking for favour in the wrong place! I wasn't looking for favour where is was, I was looking for it where I wanted it to be. I was looking for ease of life, you know, a job, a healing or treatment, in my timeline, a brilliant song that would be song by hundreds. Instead my favour is the peace that I have had throughout what would normally be a really difficult summer. That's favour! An envelope on my car windshield jam pack with cash. That's favour! Coffee (Pumpkin Spice Latte) and muffin (Pumpkin/Cream cheese) delivered to me at work by two of my favorite people, on a Monday! Trust me, that's favour! A bunch of summer fresh veggies gifted by green thumbed friends, that's favour! Opening my wallet and finding a wad of cash with a note, "Rest in His Love". That is favour. Becoming a part of a group of friends that are becoming more and more like family, that is favour!

I can't look into someone else's life and see their favour and think that is what mine is supposed to look like. My life has my own struggles and my own glories. This valley that we are walking through is pretty deep. It seems very long. Yet, through it all, The Presence is so strong! The assurance that God's got this is overwhelming. 

This is an excerpt from The Passion Translation, Psalm 23, my new favorite.

"¹God is my Fierce Protector and my Pastor. I always have more than enough.
²He provides a resting place for me in His luxury-love. His tracks take me to the quiet brooks of bliss, the oasis of peace.
³That's where He restores and revives my life. He opens before me the pathways to God's pleasure, leading me along in His footsteps of righteousness, so that I can bring honor to His name.
⁴Lord, even when Your path takes me through The Valley of Deepest Darkness You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way. Because You are with me. I have no fear of danger! Your authority is my strength and peace. The comfort of Your love takes away my fear. I'll never be lonely for You are near.
⁵You become my delicious feast Even when my enemies dare to fight. You anoint me with the fragrance of Your Holy Spirit; You give me all I can drink of You until my heart overflows.
⁶So why would I fear the future? For Your goodness and unfailing love will always be my companions every day; Then afterward, when my life is through, I'll return to Your glorious presence to be forever with You!

Good, Good Father

What comes to your mind when you think "God"? Do you think of a loving daddy? Do you feel comfort? Are you frightened?

I am a Christian and have been since I was a very out spoken 6 year old. It was logical that I become a Christian, I was going to a Christian school after all. There was no earth shattering redemption from the black hole of filth of my own making. How much mess could a 6 year old have made? I was too young to drink, my mother would not have let me get away with anything terrible, even by 6 year old standards!

During my teen years I had a few renewals of the heart. I wanted to make good and sure all my bases were covered. Every one was heartfelt and sincere. I never got into much trouble as a teen so even then, no radical 180° turns required.

In my 20s I had to decide if my faith was truly my own and not just the result of my upbringing. Having small children did not leave me much time to THINK DEEP THOUGHTS very often. I do remember not trusting God with my children. I thought he would take them away from me to "teach me a lesson". Surely, I had plenty to learn. I survived pretty much on my own. I was exhausted.

Until recently, the picture in my mind when I thought of God was of good ole Abe Lincoln sitting on his concrete chair, cold and distant, waiting for me to mess up again to say, "See? I told you, you never listen!" I did not see a good father, I did not see someone who loves me.  



I have a good dad. He has been a great example of a good father to me. Why did I think God would not be a good father? I am sure many would analyze my life and say that my father let me down, did not praise me enough. To that I say, Phewy! If we are going to play that game, we will do so all the way back to Adam. I am sure my dad did not do ALL THE THINGS RIGHT. None of us do. I refuse to lay blame at my dad's feet. That would mean my children can do the same thing to me! There is no way I am perfect! I have broken most of the "Good Mother" rules. This will only bring about condemnation furthering defeat. Do I have little girl memories when my daddy hurt my heart? Of course I do! Did my dad intentionally do things to hurt me, ABSOLUTELY NOT! We all work within the scope of our life experiences and hurts.

I know why I thought of God as cold and distant. I will let you in on that little secret. As long as I remained intimidated by the God I serve, I remain ineffective. I have always believed in God's existence. I have only recently believed in His goodness. How can I inspire others to embrace the goodness and love of God if I myself do not believe? If satan's desire and mission is to cripple Christians, all he has to do is convince us to believe a lie. Mission accomplished. 

The picture I now see of God is still in His big chair, but now I see Him engaged in me! Looking at me like a father would look at a child he is enjoying. I have engaged with Him and saw myself sitting on His lap, snuggled into His chest. I am learning to speak to Him. Jesus' death on the cross makes it so that I can. The difference this understanding has made in my life is noticeable, even to those who do not know Him. This difference changes my entire perspective on who I am which in true effects how I speak to others, my children, my husband and every person that I meet. 

What do you see when you think of God?

 Here's what I know, He's a Good, Good Father.

I'm back!

These days so many thoughts are roiling around in my head and since processing my thoughts out loud usually leads to eyes rolling back in heads as people fall asleep, then they start to drool and it gets embarrassing. I often don't even know what I'm thinking until I hear myself say it. Oh, you've noticed?

I was just reading my old posts and I still feel the same. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up! I do now work outside of the home. I am working as a legal secretary, so not what one would imagine me doing but, God is good. He provides and this is what I do. In four to five years, my bosses will retire. I don't want to find another secretarial job then. Eww.

Thoughts are clamouring to be let out. Do I have what it takes to be a mom, wife, secretary and student? Will my brain know how to study? Will it know how to retain information? Will it be what God has for me? I've gone down enough rabbit trails trying to do my own thing. Tired of that! Will my passions align with my purpose? That would be amazing!

See? Now you know why I might need to rant sometimes!