September

What weird month for me. I spent the month exhausting myself, trying to validate me. The thing is, I don't need to. I am me and that's all that matters. I am a mother. I have a job. The pay stinks, but I am needed. When I was chasing my validation, I was pushing my agenda not my passions. I wanted to say, I'm Kelly, the student or the school bus driver or whatever. I gotta say, those are just words that don't actually change what or who I am. See, in some ways, I'm living my dream. All I wanted to be when I was a kid was a wife and mom. Guess what I am? See, that's living the dream. Now I'd like to add a few things to that and I can. I need to add things that fit. My kids need a mom full time. It is a noble, exhausting, frustration, underrated, underpaid profession but they say the grandchildren are worth it. I do have a part time business that I can work that won't hurt my family and will be good for me. So work it I shall. I will also keep making those lunches that come home half eaten. (That really bugs me) I will keep cleaning up after the kids. I will keep trying to get eternal messages through the thick skulls of my kids. They say that pays off too!
There is a great song out there called "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli. It's my song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAxLTUt_qzg

It is finished

OK, remember my post from last week? Remember the stress that I was enduring? Well, guess what? I stinkin' quit! That's right, quit! And I don't even feel bad. I sat in the first 3 minutes of math class and decided that I didn't want to try to catch up 10 days of work. So I walked out. I went to Chemistry. I sat through the whole class. I need to do catch up for this too since I started so late. I'm sitting there thinking about my reason for being there. There in lies the problem. I don't have a reason. I did have a reason, but then reason got in the way and that reason left me. (Are you following?) For now, the life of the college student, is not for me. Surely there is something out there for me that doesn't involve math. I'm smart enough. I can do lots of things. Darnit! There really otta' be a school for mothers utilizing all our skills and putting it in the proper lingo to get us a great paying job.

Keeping Current

All my lofty promises of being a better blogger have gone by the wayside as I'm sure have my 3 faithful readers. My life has been so full these last few weeks that I must write something down lest I burst. School has started this week for the kids...and me! What kinda' crazy person finally gets the house to herself and then enrolls in college? Well, obviously me. Today, I thought I was an idiot to have done such a thing. I have to do College and Career Preparation. All that means is all those years of chomping at the bit to get out of school were largely futile. Lovely. I had to take a placement test and made it to grade 11 math. I cried through it the first time I took it. Guess what? I looked at it today, and I cried again.
Yesterday was actually the first day for me. I spent most of the day running up and down and all around to try to get into the classes that I wanted to (or thought I did!) I signed up for the Chemistry 045 (Gr. 11) and got it be in the lab. I was exited even though it was just teaching basic safety. I have very little patience when having to listen to common sense being taught, but the thrill of being in the lab made even that interesting. I have always wanted to be in the lab.
I also have to take Math 045. I like some math, but some of it is so abstract to me that, well, I cry! The class I signed up for was self-directed and very difficult since there aren't any lectures. There is a teacher there for help, but I have a feeling that she would begin to shake her head if I started asking for help in the way that I feel I need it.
Today dawns bright and beautiful and I have a sick child that needs to stay home. I have already missed about 10 days of classes because of the late start I'm getting. (Do you feel my stress level raising?) I take the kids to school and sit down to do my math. I'm looking at it and I see how simple this section is. Basically, it's refreshing what you already know. Only, I don't get it. Rational numbers? Irrational numbers? It all sound bloody irrational to me. I'm sleep deprived and I have a little person chattering to me (one that is usually not chatty) and I'm so overwhelmed that I want to quit. I know that I cannot do this. I'm not a quitter, but this is crazy.
I had a meeting with my Chemistry teacher at 10. I had to get a friend to watch the child and go to the college to pick up my materials. My teacher is a man. I started to ask him some basic questions about the importance of doing what I am doing. (My original goal of lab tech may not be something I'm willing to do because of the intensity, having a family etc.) Of all the things to do, I start to bawl. I HATE bawling in public. I don't even know this guy, I met him less than 24hours before and I'm bawling out my problems... Oh the humiliation! This must have happened before because he took it all in stride, didn't even get that funny look most men get when faced with a crying woman. He talked some sense into me and set me on a better road than Math 045. I'll be taking Math 044. Then when i am confident about that, I can move on. So tomorrow, I will once again set off for the invigorating halls of CNC, knowing that I'm not crazy, at least not entirely, and I can do this and I won't be wasting my time.

My Dear Son

My dear son, Michael, is at the cusp of his teen years. His brain cells are starting to receive testosterone and, having no idea what to do with it all, they die. In the process, he is very forgetful and spacey. He regularly forgets homework, due dates and other important things. On of these things happens to be his ukulele. As a result, the boy is failing music. This is a gifted child, one who has the potential to actually make money in the music industry.
This morning I had a couple of extra hours that I was going to spend drinking tea and eating chocolate. I was looking forward to this peaceful time with all that was in me. There is yet another Pro D day at school tomorrow so there was an extra push to have peace and quiet time. I took the kids to school early and couldn't wait for the van door to close behind them. As Michael is getting out of the van, he remembers today is Thursday, a ukulele day. The bottom sorta drops out of his day. He had just been given a talking to about failing etc. So I said the typical lecture-y things they never listen to and drive away. Since I'm not a fierce as I'd like to think I am, I went home and got his ukulele and took it to him. (Incidental, another mom did the same thing twice this week!) He was never so happy to see me in his life. I took him a mocha too because I thought he needed something special to get him through today.
My tea time never actually materialized. I had to go pick up Paul too. As I was getting ready to go to work, I grabbed the towel to wipe the steam off the bathroom mirror. As I looked up at the mirror, I saw a note that had been written for me this morning. "We love you, Mom" had been written in the steam even before we left for school. This message was such a treat for me. I never did wipe off the mirror. I can't wait to read it again next time I shower. It is a quiet reminder to me to take a moment and remember the little things.

Ravelry Rocks

Every now and again, I get bored with the usual haunts on the web. Facebook is great but there's only so much info one can absorb and I'm really tired of the applications. I get tired of clicking on 'ignore' when invited and the little twinge of guilt when I ignore my friends. Sorry guys, but it's true. Ringo is so last season and I'm tired of the offensive advertising. Besides it is really slow and facebook can do everything ringo can.
Knitting is my other passion/obsession. Recently, I have discovered Ravelry. It is a site designed for knitters and crocheters. I can look all day and NEVER reach the end. There are so many things to click on and those things open up even more things to click on! Yippee!
So all you people out there, send me your 'on line time wasters' and see if I can join the madness!

"Honours"

I'm not sure what the word 'Honours' means to you, but to me it has a whole new connotation. My son (11) and I sang at the Music Festival. What an experience! We had chosen 'Pie Jesu' from Requim by A. L. Webber with the help of Michael's choir teacher. We worked on it for only nine days. We weren't being slack, it was just the time frame we had to work with.

After nine days we performed in front of competitors, teachers and their families. We had to introduce ourselves and Michael baled on me so I did it. The thing is, I don't speak in front of people. I think I could sing in Carnegie Hall, but just don't ask me to speak. So I introduced us and the adjudicator asked what our relationship to each other was. You'd think admitting that he was my son would fill me with pride and it does for sure. It also fills me with tears when I'm in front of people. Crap! The music has started and I'm almost losin' it. I'm suppose to look like a professional or at least have some modicum of decorum. Now I'm worrying about the drip I'm sure is hangin' on the end of my nose! With many quick prayers sent heavenward, I managed to sing and get in the groove.

If I may say myself, Astounding! I am blown away with the gift my son has. The church we were in was an old one, and full of wood. The resonance was superior by far to any electrically amplified music. For all our efforts we were given 'Honours'. Many in the room were brought to tears. Even the adjudicator was short on comments. She told me to get Michael's voice recorded before it changes.

Since then, we have performed again at a Gala and have been asked to perform another song at Christmas time. Now, if he voice doesn't change we may have a career...

Neglect

To all my loyal readers that still wander back to see if I have posted anything, here it is! Spring is finally on it's way. The sun shines regularly and actually throws off some heat. Life is extremely busy right now. The music festival is next week and preparations are adding an extra busyness to my life. This year I am taking a step back into the festival. When I was in school, I sang in the festival. Now this year I have the opportunity to sing with my son Michael. He has a beautiful voice and loves to use it. Together we will be singing, Pie Jesu from Requiem by A. L. Webber. I will try to post the performance if I can. I'm really excited and terribly nervous, wondering if we will be able to pull it off. Pray for us!!
I have found a piano!!! With in a week we will be able to actually play and teach my kids, or have someone else teach them! I got it for a great price and moving it will be a challenge but still a great deal. Can't wait!
My busy life is calling me again! Later!!